U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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