You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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