I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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