nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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