Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
