i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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