Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I think my moral compass just broke
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