the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
