yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
