New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
