oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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