What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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