I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
