So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
