separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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