i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
