Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
