look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
