last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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