T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
