You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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