We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
