I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
