watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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