community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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