So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
