i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
