sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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