Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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