Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
