i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
