I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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