Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
