Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
