Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
