i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
