I look better un-naked...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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