who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
