she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
