dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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