There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
