Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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