the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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