I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
