this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
