Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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