After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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