If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
