True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
