His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Can i not drive my cunt home
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
