Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
